Just because you want something doesn’t mean you can have it. This is a lesson I have learned time and time again. I have also discovered that while you can ask for something, it doesn’t necessarily mean you will get it. With every fork I encounter I continually ask the universe to send me clues about what to do, but at the end of each day I have to proceed on the base of my own deductive reasoning and judgement and try to make the choice that is right for me.
If you don’t try you’ll never know, but gosh if only we had a little help, right?
Time of departure: Just past noon o’clock
Weather: Extra glorious
Mood: Over caffeinated
Song on repeat: “Say My Name” (feat. Zyra) ODESZA, In Return
I had a phone interview this morning that went mildly successful. Often I worry that I don’t know what I am doing. Other times I start talking and turns out, when I merge my various experiences I actually have some skills that are *very valuable* and the culmination of my many jobs makes me a very ideal candidate for many positions.
However, the catch and there is always a catch. The job is in Kansas. I am whole-heartedly not opposed to moving to Kansas. For the right opportunity I am already there. I love Seattle and am still waiting for my envisioned “romance novel scenario” to kick in. But dang. It sure is taking a long time.
I need a sign or a signal. I’ve overthought every thing I can think of.
On today’s post-interview run fueled by entirely too much caffeine I all out sprinted for at least the first three miles. I’m pretty sure I was running blacked out until I made that hard right turn just past lower Woodland Park.
As I climbed up the hill by the zoo I started thinking about the major changes that have happened in my life, and the signs that appeared right before I made those definitive choices. I’ve always wanted to believe that the universe tells us what we are supposed to do, but lately I’m not sure if that is just a bunch of hippy mumbo-jumbo or if we are just environmentally-informed organisms that do what we must to survive.
So that’s it- do we get signs or do we make choices based on the knowledge we’ve previously gained? Or both?
I recently met my best friend’s uncle. We have entirely different, to put delicately, outlooks on life. Yet, during the week surrounding her wedding we had a multitude of very deep conversations. The kind of long talks where you genuinely communicate with each other, even though certain beliefs and interpretations may not align.
Uncle George told me I have a strong sense of discernment. Every morning we would drink our coffee on the veranda that overlooked a bay. For the duration of the week there was a barge parked right at the tiny marina in the harbor, and it had the same white pick-up truck parked on it. Near the end of our vacation George asked “What do you think that barge is for? It hasn’t moved this whole week” I gave it a look and replied, “It’s probably an escape boat, incase there is a tsunami or something on the island.”
George seemed satisfied with that answer, stating “Hey, what about that? You are probably right.”
In life, there is often a by-the-book way to do things and also a way to get things done with what you have. At some point, you have to let go and make decisions based on what you know and be okay with those choices. For me, taking in a situation, thinking about the hows and the whys and synthesizing an informed idea about a problem is the best way to reach a conclusion and continue going about a task rather than get bogged down by details.
Today while I ran (after the initial three-mile blackout) I thought about the universe, and the major choices I have made. I know in my heart that I could crush that job I interviewed for, and even pull of a cross-country move in as little as three weeks. I thought about Uncle George, and I thought about what my escape plan would be, and if a framework to get out is even what I need at this moment. I thought about the people I love and the ones that I could, given the potential.
I haven’t got to the fork yet, but I am well aware that it is coming. I’m trying to take in every detail I can, and focusing on my breathing. I see the yellow signs and the flashing lights that it is coming. I’m asking for help and doing research. I wanna dance with “you,” but I’m not going to wait around forever.
Beauty of the Road 